Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

Caption: Who is Mary Magdalene exactly?

The GP charged around to my side of the table and roved her hand all over my pubic area

28 November 2015 9:00 am

On Friday morning I was peeing razor blades so I rang up the doctor and was given an appointment after…

Seat Ibiza (Photo: Getty)

All hail to the Stig’s mum’s Seat Ibiza TDI Sport

21 November 2015 9:00 am

The car: a ’06 rosso red Seat Ibiza 1.9 TDI Sport, bought three weeks ago from a man who had…

Welcome to the family

‘I’m a racist. My sister’s a racist. We’re all racists here’

14 November 2015 9:00 am

My sister has a new man in her life: Henry, 60. He lives in a gay hotel. Or rather, it…


What it takes to make Exmouth rock out

7 November 2015 9:00 am

She was dying for a mad night out, she said, so where was I going to take her? I know,…

Hallucinogenic mushrooms seamless pattern

Autumn is the season of magic mushrooms and psychedelic maple trees

29 October 2015 9:00 am

The fag end of October. Dark evenings. My smelly old Barbour. Chopping and splitting wood. Uncanny stillnesses. Psychedelic maple trees.…

A young Winston Churchill (Photo: Getty)

Curry and Modafinil with Winston Churchill

24 October 2015 9:00 am

The bar at the Special Forces club has the marvellous rule for newcomers that they should talk to the person…

Dear Jesus...

Jesus sometimes plays a very long game

17 October 2015 8:00 am

We closed the last page of a gruesome, thrilling picture book called The Day Louis Got Eaten and said our…


Happiness is a chainsaw and a maul in the rain and the mud

10 October 2015 9:00 am

It rained all day long last Friday in Provence, and it rained all night, and on Saturday morning it was…

Farewell, white ovoid exhaustion-inducing tablets; hello, West Ham’s religious revival

3 October 2015 8:00 am

Every morning for the past two years, on waking, I’ve reached out for the white plastic tub on the bedside…

Caution Bears

Follow my grandsons on the trail of the last bear in England

26 September 2015 8:00 am

I was looking after Oscar, my five-and-a-half-year-old grandson, for the day. We’d played football in the garden, then we’d come…

(Photo: Getty)

Modafinil, ladies and gentlemen. Recommended.

19 September 2015 8:00 am

The staples of my daily alcohol consumption on the cruise were champagne, gin, red wine and Polish vodka. One morning…

(Photo: Getty)

The only one who set a bad example on the high seas was Taki

12 September 2015 9:00 am

There is something repulsive about the sea, especially when seen from the altitude of the upper decks of a monstrous…


My apprehension about the Spectator cruise

5 September 2015 9:00 am

Last Saturday afternoon, in Venice, 31 Spectator readers, plus Martin Vander Weyer, the great Taki and I came aboard the…

Milan, Central Station (Photo: Getty)

Italy is so civilised! Even at a mad dash

29 August 2015 9:00 am

I sprinted through Milan station, speed-read the departures monitor without stopping, and arrived gasping on platform 8 with two minutes…

Perseid meteor shower (Photo: Getty)

Watching the Persid meteor shower with Professor Brian Cox – lucky me!

22 August 2015 9:00 am

‘How many people have you slept with in your life, roughly?’ she asked. We were lying in bed in the…


Have I killed my friend’s Jack Russell? Time to check Google

15 August 2015 9:00 am

Toby goes to bed at 10 o’clock sharp every night otherwise he gets irritable. Toby sleeps on the bed always.…


When the going gets tough there’s nothing like an hour of rollicking hymn singing

8 August 2015 9:00 am

On Saturday my boy had a mini-stroke at home, aged only 26. ‘You’ll have to give up smoking and do…


My glimpse into the brotherhood of bouncers

1 August 2015 9:00 am

After Trev had mugged the mugger in the toilet we moved quickly on to another club. The Double O is…

(Photo: Getty)

Safety tip: don't try to steal Trev's phone

25 July 2015 9:00 am

‘I’ve lost my phone,’ yells Trev. We’re in a club. He’s come charging on to the dance floor to tell…


In my opinion, Death Corner was a very safe place to stand

18 July 2015 9:00 am

Watching the daily running of the bulls through Pamplona’s narrow streets online this week has given me a wistful pang…


The chemically castrated are useless at crosswords: true or false?

11 July 2015 9:00 am

After hitting me with the cancer diagnosis, the urologist offered me the choice of a longer life in exchange for…


The dangers of praise

4 July 2015 9:00 am

Rachel Johnson, in last week’s Spectator diary, says that her husband says she only writes a book in order to…


Drugs, whipping, decomposing bodies and fighting in toilets: so that’s what Spectator readers get up to

27 June 2015 9:00 am

Ninety-two readers (thank you!) sent accounts of their worst debacles on drink or drugs. I printed out each one and…

Peace be with you

The vicar struck the first blow. And then he told us all a joke

20 June 2015 9:00 am

Before delivering his sermon, the vicar said we must offer one another the sign of peace. He struck the first…


After the initial shock of my cancer diagnosis, I’ve never been happier

13 June 2015 9:00 am

On Sunday morning, I was kicking a football in the back garden with my grandson. I had bought him his…