Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Learning to fly

I rode my own racehorse and was changed for ever

‘The last owner who tried to ride his own horse got tanked,’ said the trainer, looking up at me as…

Poolside at Shoreditch House

My nights with Hollywood film stars may be far behind me

At least two insurances are going to have to go, as I grapple with fear of penury, I have decided.…


A non-dom speaks: ‘The Swiss, Hong Kong, the Singaporeans, they are all saying “Come”!’

Indian magnate Nirmal Sethia on what the English get wrong about tea – and the other countries seeking to recruit our discontented non-doms

Village life (Photo: Getty)

Balham is about as close as you get, in 2015, to the 1950s

After pulling out of my flat sale and U-turning on the idea of moving to the Cotswolds, it took me…


Have my bones fallen to bits like the Oxford professor said they would?

‘Are you afraid of falling over?’ asked the bored young radiologist, as he started filling out the forms. I had…

(Photo: Getty)

Exciting news: I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet but we may be expecting

Exciting news. We might be expecting. I say might because I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet. I thought about…

(Photo: Getty)

Hell is dealing with police bureaucracy

‘Yes, you can report it, but it’s going to take ten minutes to go through the process,’ said the oppressively…

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Am I moving to the Cotswolds? Don't measure the curtains yet

On the basis that I might need a new boiler soon, I thought I had better sell the London flat…

'A breath of fresh air' (Photo: Getty)

From ponies to Jeremy Corbyn: Balham’s startingly posh militant left

If anyone wants to know why the Labour party is about to elect Jeremy Corbyn as its leader then they…


My local hospital is ‘listening to its staff’ – but not, apparently, the patients

Surely it can be no coincidence that the road by which one enters St George’s Hospital, Tooting, is called Effort…


Just call me Miss Whiplash

The vet bill has been sitting on my desk for three weeks. All vet bills are cruel and unusual but…


Charities are the last bastion of corporate greed

Charities’ fundraising practices are out of control

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I don’t do WhatsApp, and that’s final

‘No, I do not do WhatsApp.’ That’s pretty much all I ever seem to say to people nowadays. They ask…


Challenging parking tickets is my crack cocaine

‘Cydney, we are not moving to Cobham!’ I told the spaniel in my best outraged Margot Leadbetter voice. What a…


Watch your backs, everyone: I haven’t slept for three years

Insomnia has a lot to answer for. I have not been sleeping well for years but a few months ago…


The hunting ban could be gone soon – but the hypocrisy will linger on

With luck, the cruel, hypocritical ban could be gone by winter

St Anthony, the patron saint of lost things

The menopause lost my car keys

Here is what I thought happened. I thought that as I tided my store room at the stables I put…


House-hunting in Cobham has driven me to the verge of insanity

This much I know, I never want to live in an ‘executive home’, and neither do I want to live…


The question my mother made me ask André Rieu

André Rieu is a demigod among classical performing artists – and my mother loves him

contents dog

Pampered middle-class pooches are in charge of their owners

Why won’t the middle classes shout at their dogs any more? My suspicion is that the bleeding heart liberals, having…


The police persecution of middle-class women

Aren’t the police getting younger nowadays — and ruder, and scruffier and more intolerant of middle-class women? In other words,…


The joy of anti-psychotic drugs

The doctor eyed me suspiciously as I walked into her consulting room. ‘Ye-es?’ she said, nervously, eyeing me up and…

How can Stevie Nicks be 67? Is this possible or has Wikipedia made a mistake?

Unutterably thrilling: Fleetwood Mac at the O2 reviewed

‘I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to get this chance in life,’ said Christine McVie, as the…


The great Sky bundle boondoggle

Foolishly, I have this wild notion that one day, if the stars align in my favour, I might be able…


In the future we will all speak a new language called Predictive Text

Andy the tech guy looked delighted when I told him I had done the stupidest thing ever. He is one…