Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.


How HS2 has blighted my parents’ lives

Whether the high-speed rail line is built or not, it is destroying the retirements of people like my parents

Man and dog bird hunting

How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize

After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird…

Salon Du Chocolat 2012 - General Views

Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’

The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know…


If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area

Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of…

The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad

People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners…


My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace

Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in…

Pitbull dogs play with a rope during the

Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?

What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…


Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…


I tried to escape the confines of Balham in Oxshott

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…


Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?

As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…


Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…

This makes Melissa Kite angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. Photo: AFP PHOTO / CARL COURT

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…

The RSPCA at Aintree. Good luck finding anything out about them. Photo by Alan Crowhurst/Getty Images

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…


Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…


Justine Greening interview: 'It's about understanding what it's like to start from scratch'

Justine Greening says that the Conservatives will not win big until they really home in on social mobility


These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would…


Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?

‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table.…


Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture

Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another…


The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple

The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism…


Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?

A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before,…


The only woman who can make me lie

With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this.…

Cornish Oasis Garden Opened at The Eden Project

One day I was always going to have to eat quinoa. It might as well be now

As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’.…


David Cameron's misogynistic reshuffle

The PM doesn’t want the new women in his cabinet to do anything but look nice


I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50

‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me…