Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Foxy Lady

The Tooting poisoner and the relentless rise of the urban fox

7 February 2015 9:00 am

In my London neighbourhood, an argument about urban foxes is turning very nasty indeed


118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast

7 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…


The dead iPad Sketch

31 January 2015 9:00 am

My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…


I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic

24 January 2015 9:00 am

My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…


I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services

17 January 2015 9:00 am

Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside…

Horse's Heartbeat

Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident

10 January 2015 9:00 am

Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a…


Draft and save is as good a New Year’s resolution as any

3 January 2015 9:00 am

Draft and save. That is as good a New Year’s resolution as any. Never send an email or letter in…


Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014

13 December 2014 9:00 am

The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same…


How HS2 has blighted my parents’ lives

6 December 2014 9:00 am

Whether the high-speed rail line is built or not, it is destroying the retirements of people like my parents

Man and dog bird hunting

How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize

6 December 2014 9:00 am

After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird…

Salon Du Chocolat 2012 - General Views

Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’

29 November 2014 9:00 am

The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know…


If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area

22 November 2014 9:00 am

Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of…

The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad

15 November 2014 9:00 am

People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners…


My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace

8 November 2014 9:00 am

Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in…

Pitbull dogs play with a rope during the

Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?

1 November 2014 9:00 am

What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…


Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

25 October 2014 9:00 am

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…


Is there any escape from Balham?

18 October 2014 9:00 am

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…


Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?

11 October 2014 9:00 am

As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…


Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

4 October 2014 9:00 am

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…


The Manchester dogs’ home fire has shown up our strange attitude to animal suffering

27 September 2014 9:00 am

Our attitude to animals and their suffering is bonkers

This makes Melissa Kite angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. Photo: AFP PHOTO / CARL COURT

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

27 September 2014 9:00 am

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…

The RSPCA at Aintree. Good luck finding anything out about them. Photo by Alan Crowhurst/Getty Images

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

20 September 2014 9:00 am

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…


Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

13 September 2014 9:00 am

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…


'Unless you're pushing it, it will go backwards': Justine Greening's warning on social mobility

6 September 2014 9:00 am

Justine Greening says that the Conservatives will not win big until they really home in on social mobility


These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

6 September 2014 9:00 am

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would…